For several days now my heart was heavy. Not from physical weight (though I could lose a few pounds) but from life issues. Many of which are life and death issues, some are relationship, some are watching loved ones not making good decisions, we had a car accident (we are not injured but my poor car was totaled) and on top of it all my beloved Oliver (dog) ate some poisonous greens. (Oliver is fine now luckily his body rejected them- that was not pretty!)
My heart was so heavy I didn’t think I could carry it anymore. (That almost sounds like I was suicidal – no I was not.) But its weight was immobilizing me. During the past couple weeks, I have reached out to my dear prayer warriors but I am used to going to them on behalf of others…not for myself. (That was humbling.)
This weight made me feel like I was totally self-absorbed. I knew the world around me still turned, filled with life, love, good things and not so good things like wars and man’s inhumanity to man. But it has been as if I have had blinders on to anything not happening to me and my family.
I know that in times like this I have to draw closer to the Lord. It is not always easy but to not do that is to give the enemy victory. And really, I have no desire to give the enemy satisfaction of taking me out of the fight for God’s glory.
Several friends sent me tunes that they treasure and lift their spirits. I played them when I took Oliver out before he went to bed. The stars were amazing, no fog, no cloud cover just “the heavens declaring the glory of God!” (Psalm 19:1) That did lift my spirits, but I still felt overwhelmed.
After Oliver picks up his toys and I put him to bed, the house is all mine (my husband goes to bed earliest, than Oliver and I am the late-night one). Since I still felt weighed down, I turned to the Word of God. After donning the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-19) I prayed in the Spirit turning over some wants and desires to the Lord, trusting He knew best for me.
Then He sent me outside again. So about 2:00 am I went outside with music blaring. It was dark! I can’t really keep my head turned towards the sky (bad neck), so I head to our large propane tank lean backwards over it (better than laying on dew-soaked grass) to gaze at the stars.
They were mesmerizing, I felt as if I could just be enveloped by them and float into space, towards the Creator of it all. I think what it must have been like for King David when he was a shepherd boy sleeping with his sheep. No outside lights just the moon and the stars provided by God. It helps me understand Psalm 19.
I came back in, putz around the house a bit and went to bed with a heart that was bearable. Today my heart is still weighed down but now I know I don’t have to carry it alone. The Lord has given me great friends, His Son and His Holy Spirit to assist in the heavy lifting.
(Please note: I wrote this in 2024 but just now decided to publish it. Since then, I have leaned into the Lord. He is amazing how He takes care of us!)
“The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they reveal knowledge.” Psalm 19:1-2
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms…And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.” Ephesians 6:10-13, 18